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Respecting Indigo Children

by Melanie Melvin
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  • (This article was excerpted with permission from "The Indigo Children" by Lee Carroll and Jan Tober, published by Hay House, www.hayhouse.com)
Respecting Indigo Children

Indigos come into this life with self-respect and an unshakable understanding that they are children of God. Your Indigo will be quite confused and dismayed if you do not have the same knowledge that you, too, are a spiritual being above all else. Therefore, it is crucial that you respect yourself. Nothing turns an Indigo off faster than parents who do not earn their child's respect, but who instead give away their power and parental responsibility to the child.

When our son, Scott, was two and a half years old, he ran into the kitchen, heading for the wet floor I had just washed. Still down on my knees, I stretched out my arm to prevent him from falling and sliding across the wet floor. He raised himself to his full stature, looked me squarely in the eyes, and with great power and determination said, "Don't push Scottie." He perceived that he had been disrespected and was standing up for himself. I was impressed at the indomitable spirit in that little body!

You cannot fake this technique with your children. Your self-respect must come from inside. If you are simply trying to follow the recommended techniques of some "expert," these children will sense it. You must be sincere and be who you truly are-all you can be. You must be a role model for your children. Children learn mostly from modeling their parents' example, not from words. If these children feel that their parents' example does not have integrity, they will turn away. In any case, they will not completely imitate their parents, because they clearly have their own identity.
One example of a mother trying to "fake a technique" with her daughter occurred when her daughter was playing with mine. The mother came to pick up her very independent, self-willed three-year-old. She was trying to be very nice and repeatedly told her daughter that it was time to leave. Yet she was giving all her power to her daughter, who felt only disdain for her mother's weakness.

As this went on, the mother became more frustrated and angry, yet kept speaking sweetly and pleadingly to the little girl. Finally, when I couldn't stand it any longer, I said to the girl, "If you don't go home when your mother wants you to, she will not want to bring you the next time you want to visit." The little one looked at me, understood, and left with her mom.

If Mom had been honest and come from a position of respect and strength, she would have simply said, "I need to go home, what do you need to do to get ready to leave?" The situation would then have proceeded more smoothly. When Indigos feel you are dealing with them with integrity and respect for them as people with rights, they are more willing to cooperate and deal honestly with you. If they sense manipulation and guilt, it raises their dander.

Respect yourself, respect your children as other spiritual beings, and expect respect from them in turn. While watching other children speak to their parents disrespectfully, my children said to me, "Mommy, you would never let us get away with that!" and they respected and appreciated me for this. One of the most common mistakes I see in modern parents is bending over backwards to never "hurt or damage" their child psychologically. What about the damage done by giving free reign to your children in a world that is too big for them to handle without their parents' leadership?

See your children as equal to you spiritually, but also as aware that you are the parent this time and therefore the one in the position of responsibility. They are not in charge, but they are honored. They are given every choice and freedom that they are capable of handling. For example, they are allowed to choose what they would like to eat out of what you may have prepared for a meal, or they may help you choose what you fix for a meal. Yet, you are not a short-order cook, fixing something different for everyone. I have seen mothers run ragged trying to please everyone in this way. This is disrespectful to those mothers. If one member of the family is sacrificed, the other members cannot benefit. The family situation must support every member.

The angriest children I have seen in my role as a psychologist and homeopath are those without parental limits. I have witnessed children push their parents to anger just so the parents would set limits on the children's behavior. You are abdicating your role as a parent if you allow your child to control you.

When our son was two, I told him not to touch something on the coffee table. He touched it just to test me. I knew it was a test and smacked his fingers. He touched it again and again and again, and got his finger smacked each time. He was in tears, and my heart was breaking, but I knew that if I gave in he would be more deeply harmed. It would mean that he had beaten the parent, who was supposed to be bigger, stronger, more dependable, and able to keep him safe-and that is frightening for a child! After that incident, we hugged; he was happy and never needed to go to that extreme again. If I had given in, we would have had, to repeat that scenario many, many times until learning the lesson to be strong, not overly sympathetic, and aware of the bigger picture.

When there is a pattern of defiance in an Indigo Child, it is usually because they feel disrespected or feel that you are not respecting yourself by giving your power away to them. Periodically, any child may test your authority. Respect yourself and your child, and you won't go wrong. Respect is based in love. If you truly love your children and are not looking to them to fill your needs to be loved and accepted, the highest good for all concerned will be served.

Freedom of Choice

Freedom is very important to Indigo Children. True freedom is accompanied by responsibility for the choices made. These choices must be appropriate to the maturity of the child. For example, as a preteen, our daughter Heather was invited to go to Disneyland with her friend's family. However, she had a cold and her friend's parents would be smoking in the car, which always made Heather sick. Also, she had just gone to Disneyland and wasn't sure she wanted to spend the money again so soon. Yet it's hard for any kid to say no to Disneyland, and she didn't want to let her friend down.

She was confused, overwhelmed with the decision, and didn't feel well. I knew this was too great a test for her level of wisdom, and she really wanted to stay home but couldn't say no. So I told her she needed to stay home. She cried from disappointment, but then felt relieved and later thanked me for not letting her go.

Similarly, at 18, Heather had recovered from a viral infection just in time to go to her senior prom on a Saturday night, returning home early Sunday morning. Sunday night, she was supposed to drive herself and her friends about an hour from home to go dancing. She was having second thoughts about going because the weekend was so packed with activities. She knew she might suffer a relapse, but the fun she anticipated having was worth it. I told her she was free to stay home if she wished, and she stated firmly that she was going, so I respected her decision.

In both cases, I respected her underlying desires, stepped in when I felt she needed help, and stood back when she made a firm decision. Respect and discernment were required in both cases. Heather gained experience in both situations. Since being alive is all about gaining experience, there are no wrong choices, since we acquire wisdom no matter what we choose. As parents we need to guide, educate, and encourage, but allow natural and logical consequences to teach our children as often as possible. Indigos, especially, will become defiant if they feel that another's will is being imposed on them.

Indigos already feel that they are different from others. The labels of hyperactivity and ADHD make them believe that they are different in a bad way. This leads to discouragement, depression, and a vicious cycle of negative behavior and moods, which robs them of their potential and gifts.

There is emotional pain behind their inability to sit still or concentrate. When they are treated as if they are bad, they initially become angry at the devaluing of their self-worth. However, like brainwashing, overwhelming devaluation eventually sinks in. One such Indigo was an angelic-looking blue-eyed blonde. She was a new four-year-old at the Montessori school. She had screaming temper tantrums that prompted neighbors of the school to call and see what the teachers were doing to that poor child! Yet, it was "Angel" who was kicking teachers and bullying other kids, while watching her own performance in the mirror with great satisfaction!

This little girl was angry with her mother for not respecting her and giving her freedom. She was angry with her teachers for allowing her too much freedom to abuse others. This little Indigo was not too impressed with the adults in her life. She felt more capable and smarter on one level, yet put down on another -- so she set out to prove who was better! She was secretly hoping someone would rise to the occasion.

It is always easier for an outside professional who is not so emotionally involved to retain detachment and perspective. So during our sessions, the first thing I did was establish who was in charge. I was firm, loving, fair, and respectful, and expected the same from her. The second thing I did was give her a homeopathic remedy. This makes my job as a psychologist a lot easier. The remedy stimulates the cells of the body to rebalance disharmony. The day after the remedy was given, the teachers called to see what happened because a miracle had occurred. Angel was being an angel -- no tantrums, no kicking, no bullying!

However, I knew the job was not complete. We had to work with the adults now that Angel had become more balanced; otherwise, the environment would throw her out of harmony again, and she would not respond so readily next time. She needed her mother and teachers to be strong, firm, and loving so that she could trust them and feel secure enough to settle down to do her work. We all need a feeling of basic security before we can go on to fulfill our purpose.

As her anger mollified, the underlying hurt surfaced -- she felt disliked by the other kids and different in a bad way. Another homeopathic remedy for grief and loss along with some counseling helped heal the emotional wounds. We also focused on her learning some social skills.

We would not want the Indigos to be like everyone else, but it is a difficult road to be different. They sometimes feel lonely and not a part of the group -- that hurts. However, it doesn't help to tell them that they are not different; they know they are. Instead, help them to see that the difference is valuable. Ask them if they would like to be just like everyone else, citing specific examples; they are likely to say no. This reminds them of their choice to be who they are.

Strong Will, Strong Soul

These children are wholly determined to get what they want. The tough part is when they badger you until they get what they want! You are better off saying, "Let me think about it," rather than saying no right off the bat. They generally have good reasons for what they want, which may cause you to reconsider your answer and then back down.

It's better to hear out their reasons and then consider carefully before answering. If you say no and then relent, they will quickly learn to keep pestering until they get their way. This does not mean you should give them everything they want, but rather, mean what you say when you answer yes or no to their request.

A Sense of Responsibility

The primary rule is to have fewer rules, and more guidelines and principles of behavior. If Indigos have values and principles, they can think through the best course of action. Help them develop a code of ethics from the heart. When you are not there, their interactions and decisions will come from a place of love, as opposed to depending on an authority figure to tell them what to do, or waiting until the authority figure leaves to do exactly what they want.

Most humans do not respond well to orders. Better to be a loving and trusted confidant and counselor than to be only a disciplinarian. Define boundaries before you enforce them. Gear demands to the level of the child, allow for childish irresponsibility, and allow natural and logical consequences to teach your child. Discuss issues with your children, and allow them to have a say. Trust them, and they are likely to be trustworthy.

Love Is the Key

The greatest opportunity we have for growth is in our relationships with others. It is only as we see ourselves reflected in them that we get feedback on who we are. If you can see the issues your children bring up for you as opportunities for character development for both you and them, you will find the problems much less troublesome. We only add to the difficulties when we worry, blame, or try to escape the challenges we are facing with our kids. Look at what is tough for you to handle in your kids; then see what the lesson is for you. As you deal with this, you will release the struggle with the child, and your relationship will improve. Remember to see the humor in the situation or relationship, and feel the love you have for this human who is very special to you.

Give them your time, your attention, and yourself; this is love. Kids remember the important events with you, but they don't remember how often they occurred. So give fully to them whenever you can.

  • (This article was excerpted with permission from "The Indigo Children" by Lee Carroll and Jan Tober, published by Hay House, www.hayhouse.com)



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